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Snappy Comebacks You Wish You'd Used

This topic contains 55 replies, has 33 voices, and was last updated by  Pierce 10 mos, 1 week.

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KBrooks

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Aug 20 2013 at 10:28am #

I’m trying to get better about not responding to slights by automobile drivers with the yelling/middle finger combo, in the interest of taking a Zen approach and calming everything down.

BUT sometimes I come up with snarky comments, zingers, etc. after the culprit has already driven away. Maybe some of you do as well. Here is a place to get them heard.

Here’s a recent one:
Driver: “Get off the street. They have a park for you to ride in.”
My response (crafted after about a half-mile of stewing): “There’s a track you can drive that car around, outside of Johnstown somewhere… although that beater doesn’t look like it would make it far.”


mlinwood25

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Aug 20 2013 at 10:47am #

If somebody is all over me with the yelling and screaming and I can’t resist responding, here is one thing I thought of following an altercation with a car and have used since several times:

“No wonder why (he/she) left you.”

While it has nothing to do with driving, chances are it will hit a nerve.


sarapgh2

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Aug 20 2013 at 10:54am #

It’s VERY hard not to do the automatic finger/curse response. I’m also trying to stay zen but fuck, if you insist on driving 2 inches from me or turning INTO my lane in front of me, DIRECTLY, zen seems very far away.

EDIT: I’ve often thought we need a catchy help group-type phrase. Like stop-drop-and-roll, but I can’t think of anything:(


StuInMcCandless

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Aug 20 2013 at 11:01am #

Them: “You’re blocking traffic!”
Me: “I *AM* traffic!”

No guarantees how civil I remain beyond that.


Mick

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Aug 20 2013 at 11:56am #

The ones I do use:

“DRUNKARD!”

Often in a phrase: “SLOW DOWN, DRUNKARD!” “STOP SIGN, DRUNKARD!” “YO! DRUNKARD! DRIVE RIGHT”

It gets sympathy from passerby. Sometimes legally true.

“You should not be driving.”

Simple. Not abusive.

Often repeating that in increasing, interrupting volume. varying emphasis from YOU to NOT to DRIVING.

True for most drivers that you have one of those interactions with. They know it’s true, too. Sometimes legally true.

These two phrases sometimes get dramatic, positive results in how these guys drive. I know of no other words that do that.

These are magic phrases. Really.

Use them and you might save a life.

You guys know any others?

Lately I’ve been fond of “HALFWITTED HOMOPHOBE!” when appropriate. It’s long for this kind of thing, but it has a ring to it. Gets smiles from passerby.

I live in Oakland, so I get comments from partyers. “I wish I was as cool as a drunk undergraduate!” works well.

No one has ever called me on it: It’s totally true.

Harassment from intoxicated students used to happen every weekend trip through Oakland. It is getting rare, now. YAY TEAM!


Kordite

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Aug 20 2013 at 11:58am #

Four way intersection. All lights red with the pedestrian walk signal. I come to a complete stop at the light and then ride through. A person crossing cattycorner yells “Red light.” I respond “Jaywalking.”


bikeygirl

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Aug 20 2013 at 12:00pm #

haha…. my usual remark is only “DUDE!!!!” while raising my arm with a disappointed look in my face as I roll my eyes @_@


Mick

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Aug 20 2013 at 12:07pm #

mlinwood25 wrote:“No wonder why (he/she) left you.”

I like it! I’ll use it!


mr marvelous

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Aug 20 2013 at 1:04pm #

When drives yell at me I always reply in Klingon

I can speak in the full Klingon language.


buffalo buffalo

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Aug 20 2013 at 2:45pm #

mr marvelous wrote:I can speak in the full Klingon language.

… why doesn’t this surprise me?

My usual reaction is a puzzled look and one or both arms upraised in a “what the hell?!?” gesture, though on a couple longer rides recently (particularly Saturday’s all-city tour, though that wasn’t the first time) I’ve had enough close passes I’ve come close to flinging my water bottle at some of them.

My favourite response though might be the person behind me on Crane Ave who, when a driver started honking at them, started yelling back “BEEP! BEEEEEP!” …


smarchit

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Aug 20 2013 at 4:01pm #

buffalo buffalo wrote:

My favourite response though might be the person behind me on Crane Ave who, when a driver started honking at them, started yelling back “BEEP! BEEEEEP!” …

HA!! I LOVE IT!!!


stefb

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Aug 20 2013 at 5:49pm #

“SNIFF MY SADDLE”


helen s

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Aug 20 2013 at 6:45pm #

” Don’t want to be late for your anger management class?”


J.Str.

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Aug 20 2013 at 6:51pm #

If I am downtown and somebody in a nice car looks remotely important I will throw out something like, “I will see you at the meeting next week, have a nice weekend!”

Hopefully it makes some people think about who they are yelling at.

I have also been known to ask something like, “How have you been lately? I was just thinking about you the other day!” Of course acting like I thought their ignorance was a jab at me. (While pretending I am an old friend).

By that time the light (or whatever) has turned and I can get away without explanation as to how I know (or don’t know) this person!


AtLeastMyKidsLoveMe

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Aug 20 2013 at 7:07pm #


srpit

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Aug 20 2013 at 7:25pm #

stefb wrote:“SNIFF MY SADDLE”

Damn! That’s funny!


screbner

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Aug 20 2013 at 8:15pm #

I’ve always been fond of using “Horn works! Try the lights!” when startled by an annoying horn.


Erica

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Aug 21 2013 at 8:47am #

I usually just yell a specific grievance.
“CALM DOWN!”
“SLOW DOWN!”
“PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!”


byogman

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Aug 21 2013 at 10:19am #

Once heard in a non vehicular context “You should go home, you left your good manners there.”

I think that’s as close to perfect as it gets. I sure can’t, age, disposition, none of it lines up, but I wish I could.


Mick

Private Message

Aug 21 2013 at 11:20am #

Erica wrote:I usually just yell a specific grievance.“CALM DOWN!”“SLOW DOWN!”“PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!”

I like these. A lot.

***

stefb wrote:“SNIFF MY SADDLE”

But there’s guys downtown that would pay good money for that.


RoadKillen

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Aug 21 2013 at 2:42pm #

I usually just yell incoherently like the pigs in that Samurai Jack episode.


JaySherman5000

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Aug 21 2013 at 6:02pm #

stefb wrote:“SNIFF MY SADDLE”

careful, you’ll only encourage dudes like this:

(**you probably don’t want to press play unless you are alone somewhere. there’s no nudity, but there’s a sweaty woman, a bike, and a creepy dude**)


Erica

Private Message

Aug 21 2013 at 6:26pm #

O___O


StuInMcCandless

Private Message

Aug 21 2013 at 6:49pm #

People buy this stuff? They make this stuff? hokaaaayy…


stefb

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Aug 21 2013 at 6:51pm #

WTSF!!? Hahaahahahahah

Oh man, I went to the website. NSFW. How did I not know this existed?!?


RustyRed

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Aug 21 2013 at 8:25pm #

stefb wrote:WTSF!!? Hahaahahahahah

Oh man, I went to the website. NSFW. How did I not know this existed?!?

The Amazon reviews are hee-larious!


Pierce

Private Message

Aug 21 2013 at 8:45pm #

How exactly is this scent produced?

@Jay

Reminds me of the semester’s new students; they all smell like crap
I wish perfume/cologne industry would die

====

There’s the time honored classic of “gashole!”


AtLeastMyKidsLoveMe

Private Message

Aug 21 2013 at 9:04pm #

Wow. Just, wow.


Pierce

Private Message

Aug 21 2013 at 9:12pm #

P.S. That ad also continues the time honored tradition of anything bicycle related having soft techno music in the background


reddan

Private Message

Aug 21 2013 at 9:30pm #

I wonder if there’s an untapped market for a masculine variation.

Perhaps “Honoré” would be a good product name, although “Sweaty Balzac” has an earthy appeal.

Back on topic, I’ve yelled “Dinner and a movie first!” a couple of times over the years, but it seems to produce nothing but puzzlement.


Mick

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Aug 22 2013 at 11:14am #

reddan wrote:I’ve yelled “Dinner and a movie first!”

Brilliant! Stellar!

I’m gonna SO steal this.


StuInMcCandless

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Aug 22 2013 at 1:02pm #

*stuffing fist in my mouth*
I gotta not read the message board at work sometimes.


ajbooth

Private Message

Aug 22 2013 at 2:10pm #

I’ve responded over the years to “F__k you” with the following:

“You wish!”
“You’d never go back to little boys”
“You’re not man enough for me”
“Not on your best day”

All serve the same purpose, and are best used with a viable escape route.


Benzo

Private Message

Aug 22 2013 at 3:00pm #

I saw some pedestrians who looked at the crosswalk signs showing a solid hand, looked at me coming down a steep hill with a green light in my favor, and then walked right in to the intersection in front of me.

As I skidded to slow down, I said “Yo, are you stoned or stupid?”. Their reply indicated that I had made a good assessment, they said “Both”. I changed direction, and swung around behind them and continued to work.


sew

Private Message

Aug 23 2013 at 7:00am #

“Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”

While a classic line, it just doesn’t roll off the tongue in a high stress situation. “Stoned or Stupid?!” is much better. I might use that one.


james.a

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Aug 23 2013 at 10:52am #

The jerk store called and they’re running out of YOU.


ajbooth

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Aug 23 2013 at 11:00am #

On my commute home last night, a woman driving a car with three young kids in the back pulled along side my bike at a light, and in a sing-song voice, said “Get. the f__k. off. the road.” Thinking back to this thread, I said “Are you stoned?” She replied “Why would you say that?” I said “Because you couldn’t survive being THAT stupid.”

Normally not something to say in front of kids, but I don’t make a habit of dropping the f-bomb in front of them either…


edmonds59

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Aug 23 2013 at 12:25pm #

Really good.
The kids will survive.


JaySherman5000

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Aug 23 2013 at 12:28pm #

james.a wrote:The jerk store called and they’re running out of YOU.

That’s funny, I heard you were their best seller!


RustyRed

Private Message

Aug 23 2013 at 12:38pm #

ajbooth wrote:On my commute home last night, a woman driving a car with three young kids in the back pulled along side my bike at a light, and in a sing-song voice, said “Get. the f__k. off. the road.”

I could’ve swore I saw you this morning at the Cochran and Beverly light… it’s a good thing I didn’t roll down the window to say hello… you may have thought “OMG, what’s this dolt going to say to me?”

LOL!

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