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56

Snappy Comebacks You Wish You'd Used

I'm trying to get better about not responding to slights by automobile drivers with the yelling/middle finger combo, in the interest of taking a Zen approach and calming everything down. BUT sometimes I come up with snarky comments, zingers, etc. after the culprit has already driven away. Maybe some of you do as well. Here is a place to get them heard. Here's a recent one: Driver: "Get off the street. They have a park for you to ride in." My response (crafted after about a half-mile of stewing): "There's a track you can drive that car around, outside of Johnstown somewhere... although that beater doesn't look like it would make it far."
kbrooks
2013-08-20 10:28:21
If somebody is all over me with the yelling and screaming and I can't resist responding, here is one thing I thought of following an altercation with a car and have used since several times: "No wonder why (he/she) left you." While it has nothing to do with driving, chances are it will hit a nerve.
mlinwood25
2013-08-20 10:47:35
It's VERY hard not to do the automatic finger/curse response. I'm also trying to stay zen but fuck, if you insist on driving 2 inches from me or turning INTO my lane in front of me, DIRECTLY, zen seems very far away. EDIT: I've often thought we need a catchy help group-type phrase. Like stop-drop-and-roll, but I can't think of anything:(
sarapgh2
2013-08-20 10:54:31
Them: "You're blocking traffic!" Me: "I *AM* traffic!" No guarantees how civil I remain beyond that.
stuinmccandless
2013-08-20 11:01:22
The ones I do use: "DRUNKARD!" Often in a phrase: "SLOW DOWN, DRUNKARD!" "STOP SIGN, DRUNKARD!" "YO! DRUNKARD! DRIVE RIGHT" It gets sympathy from passerby. Sometimes legally true. "You should not be driving." Simple. Not abusive. Often repeating that in increasing, interrupting volume. varying emphasis from YOU to NOT to DRIVING. True for most drivers that you have one of those interactions with. They know it's true, too. Sometimes legally true. These two phrases sometimes get dramatic, positive results in how these guys drive. I know of no other words that do that. These are magic phrases. Really. Use them and you might save a life. You guys know any others? Lately I've been fond of "HALFWITTED HOMOPHOBE!" when appropriate. It's long for this kind of thing, but it has a ring to it. Gets smiles from passerby. I live in Oakland, so I get comments from partyers. "I wish I was as cool as a drunk undergraduate!" works well. No one has ever called me on it: It's totally true. Harassment from intoxicated students used to happen every weekend trip through Oakland. It is getting rare, now. YAY TEAM!
mick
2013-08-20 11:56:16
Four way intersection. All lights red with the pedestrian walk signal. I come to a complete stop at the light and then ride through. A person crossing cattycorner yells "Red light." I respond "Jaywalking."
kordite
2013-08-20 11:58:00
haha.... my usual remark is only "DUDE!!!!" while raising my arm with a disappointed look in my face as I roll my eyes @_@
bikeygirl
2013-08-20 12:00:54
mlinwood25 wrote:“No wonder why (he/she) left you.”
I like it! I'll use it!
mick
2013-08-20 12:07:47
mr marvelous wrote:I can speak in the full Klingon language.
... why doesn't this surprise me? My usual reaction is a puzzled look and one or both arms upraised in a "what the hell?!?" gesture, though on a couple longer rides recently (particularly Saturday's all-city tour, though that wasn't the first time) I've had enough close passes I've come close to flinging my water bottle at some of them. My favourite response though might be the person behind me on Crane Ave who, when a driver started honking at them, started yelling back "BEEP! BEEEEEP!" ...
epanastrophe
2013-08-20 14:45:32
buffalo buffalo wrote: My favourite response though might be the person behind me on Crane Ave who, when a driver started honking at them, started yelling back “BEEP! BEEEEEP!” …
HA!! I LOVE IT!!!
smarchit
2013-08-20 16:01:51
"SNIFF MY SADDLE"
stefb
2013-08-20 17:49:15
" Don't want to be late for your anger management class?"
helen-s
2013-08-20 18:45:37
If I am downtown and somebody in a nice car looks remotely important I will throw out something like, "I will see you at the meeting next week, have a nice weekend!" Hopefully it makes some people think about who they are yelling at. I have also been known to ask something like, "How have you been lately? I was just thinking about you the other day!" Of course acting like I thought their ignorance was a jab at me. (While pretending I am an old friend). By that time the light (or whatever) has turned and I can get away without explanation as to how I know (or don't know) this person!
turboweasel
2013-08-20 18:51:52
stefb wrote:“SNIFF MY SADDLE”
Damn! That's funny!
srpit
2013-08-20 19:25:22
I've always been fond of using "Horn works! Try the lights!" when startled by an annoying horn.
screbner
2013-08-20 20:15:08
I usually just yell a specific grievance. "CALM DOWN!" "SLOW DOWN!" "PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!"
rubberfactory
2013-08-21 08:47:25
Once heard in a non vehicular context "You should go home, you left your good manners there." I think that's as close to perfect as it gets. I sure can't, age, disposition, none of it lines up, but I wish I could.
byogman
2013-08-21 10:19:42
Erica wrote:I usually just yell a specific grievance.“CALM DOWN!”“SLOW DOWN!”“PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!”
I like these. A lot. ***
stefb wrote:“SNIFF MY SADDLE”
But there's guys downtown that would pay good money for that.
mick
2013-08-21 11:20:42
stefb wrote:“SNIFF MY SADDLE”
careful, you'll only encourage dudes like this: (**you probably don't want to press play unless you are alone somewhere. there's no nudity, but there's a sweaty woman, a bike, and a creepy dude**) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMlHazXuLFo
jaysherman5000
2013-08-21 18:02:33
O___O
rubberfactory
2013-08-21 18:26:12
People buy this stuff? They make this stuff? hokaaaayy...
stuinmccandless
2013-08-21 18:49:48
WTSF!!? Hahaahahahahah Oh man, I went to the website. NSFW. How did I not know this existed?!?
stefb
2013-08-21 18:51:11
stefb wrote:WTSF!!? Hahaahahahahah Oh man, I went to the website. NSFW. How did I not know this existed?!?
The Amazon reviews are hee-larious!
rustyred
2013-08-21 20:25:24
How exactly is this scent produced? @Jay Reminds me of the semester's new students; they all smell like crap I wish perfume/cologne industry would die ==== There's the time honored classic of "gashole!"
sgtjonson
2013-08-21 20:45:14
Wow. Just, wow.
atleastmykidsloveme
2013-08-21 21:04:00
P.S. That ad also continues the time honored tradition of anything bicycle related having soft techno music in the background
sgtjonson
2013-08-21 21:12:16
I wonder if there's an untapped market for a masculine variation. Perhaps "Honoré" would be a good product name, although "Sweaty Balzac" has an earthy appeal. Back on topic, I've yelled "Dinner and a movie first!" a couple of times over the years, but it seems to produce nothing but puzzlement.
reddan
2013-08-21 21:30:55
reddan wrote:I’ve yelled “Dinner and a movie first!”
Brilliant! Stellar! I'm gonna SO steal this.
mick
2013-08-22 11:14:57
*stuffing fist in my mouth* I gotta not read the message board at work sometimes.
stuinmccandless
2013-08-22 13:02:43
I've responded over the years to "F__k you" with the following: "You wish!" "You'd never go back to little boys" "You're not man enough for me" "Not on your best day" All serve the same purpose, and are best used with a viable escape route.
ajbooth
2013-08-22 14:10:51
I saw some pedestrians who looked at the crosswalk signs showing a solid hand, looked at me coming down a steep hill with a green light in my favor, and then walked right in to the intersection in front of me. As I skidded to slow down, I said "Yo, are you stoned or stupid?". Their reply indicated that I had made a good assessment, they said "Both". I changed direction, and swung around behind them and continued to work.
benzo
2013-08-22 15:00:32
"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son." While a classic line, it just doesn't roll off the tongue in a high stress situation. "Stoned or Stupid?!" is much better. I might use that one.
sew
2013-08-23 07:00:57
The jerk store called and they're running out of YOU.
jamesa
2013-08-23 10:52:49
On my commute home last night, a woman driving a car with three young kids in the back pulled along side my bike at a light, and in a sing-song voice, said "Get. the f__k. off. the road." Thinking back to this thread, I said "Are you stoned?" She replied "Why would you say that?" I said "Because you couldn't survive being THAT stupid." Normally not something to say in front of kids, but I don't make a habit of dropping the f-bomb in front of them either...
ajbooth
2013-08-23 11:00:22
Really good. The kids will survive.
edmonds59
2013-08-23 12:25:11
james.a wrote:The jerk store called and they’re running out of YOU.
That's funny, I heard you were their best seller!
jaysherman5000
2013-08-23 12:28:51
ajbooth wrote:On my commute home last night, a woman driving a car with three young kids in the back pulled along side my bike at a light, and in a sing-song voice, said “Get. the f__k. off. the road.”
I could've swore I saw you this morning at the Cochran and Beverly light... it's a good thing I didn't roll down the window to say hello... you may have thought "OMG, what's this dolt going to say to me?" LOL!
rustyred
2013-08-23 12:38:37
last week a guy got out of his car ahead of me on my right, saw me coming, and decided to swing open the rear driver-side door anyway to grab his suitcase. nearly hit me. my usual response is just 'dude' or 'f-ck, watch it'. somehow, 'hey GUY, watch the door!' came out of my mouth. i've never called someone 'guy'. then i decided to park my bike and walk behind him on the sidewalk giving stink-eye to the back of his head. i had a little free time to be a creeper. hopefully he remembers the creepy lady that followed him down the street the next time he nearly doors somebody.
parvipica
2013-08-24 09:09:44
(And a long time later I finally come back to say...) Thanks for these responses! We asked the same question on Facebook, but yinz are wittier. ;) Gonna compile some of the best and put them in the next issue of Bicycle Times (#26). By the way, this wins my vote for "the nuclear option":
mlinwood25 wrote:If somebody is all over me with the yelling and screaming and I can’t resist responding, here is one thing I thought of following an altercation with a car and have used since several times: “No wonder why (he/she) left you.” While it has nothing to do with driving, chances are it will hit a nerve.
kbrooks
2013-10-15 12:23:15
When someone uses less than family friendly language towards me I always like "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
helen-s
2013-10-15 12:26:59
last night, riding outbound Penn near Children's Hospital, someone used the left-turn lane to pass me at 44th. Of course they got caught at the light at 45th, so when I caught up and passed them, i said "Boy, _that_ sure saved you a lot of time..." (another favourite, when someone guns it past me in traffic: "yeah, man, go get that red light!" ...)
epanastrophe
2013-10-15 15:28:55
I usually go with - "You beat me! Good job!"
andyc
2013-10-16 08:21:48
LOL, a bunch of these are in the new Bicycle Times, including 'Sniff my saddle!'. :D
rustyred
2013-11-07 15:10:42
I often blow kisses.
dmtroyer
2013-11-07 15:27:30
With the passing of the foot foot law, I used to give people the finger, but now I give them four
sgtjonson
2013-11-07 16:11:21
"Sorry, I didn't realize you were driving an undercover ambulance."
kbrooks
2013-11-12 13:09:35
"You're beautiful when you're angry."
reddan
2013-11-12 14:37:15
I think in Australia the key would be on the right side of the steering column (same as here) but the column would also be on the right side of the car. Taht would make this trick a lot easier. It's a shame. It's beautiful.
Marko82 wrote:“An Adelaide driver was left stranded after an angry cyclist allegedly reached through the window and swiped their keys in a road rage spat”
mick
2013-12-17 16:20:03
I have totally fantasized about doing that, then flinging the keys into a body of water or onto a roof.
kbrooks
2013-12-17 16:38:52
jonawebb
2013-12-17 17:05:42
Remember what said driver did to Yehuda in that snowstorm...
reddan
2013-12-17 18:47:35
Gives the cyclist-cell-phone-grabber a run for his money
sgtjonson
2013-12-18 21:57:09